


A reason to stay wasting time (Somehow you seem so alive)

by targaryen_melodrama



Series: Where the heart is [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Ficlet, M/M, POV Steve Rogers, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:21:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23987410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/targaryen_melodrama/pseuds/targaryen_melodrama
Summary: His favorite distractions are no match against what he knows is coming.It hits him at all hours of the day. In the quiet, calm moments before dawn, when he wakes up after two hours of fitful sleep. Mid-morning, after having given up on another potential lead. Late afternoon, when even Natasha’s focus is shaky and things are truly starting to feel hopeless.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson
Series: Where the heart is [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1741597
Comments: 6
Kudos: 20





	A reason to stay wasting time (Somehow you seem so alive)

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta'ed, feel free to point out typos, etc.

The final battle is raging on in the movie Steve had put on as soon as he got home, but the chaotic shouts and the distinct sound of swords clashing is ambient noise now. His favorite distractions are no match against what he knows is coming. 

It hits him at all hours of the day. In the quiet, calm moments before dawn, when he wakes up after two hours of fitful sleep. Mid-morning, after having given up on another potential lead. Late afternoon, when even Natasha’s focus is shaky and things are truly starting to feel hopeless. 

It’s worse now, though. Right as evening turns to night, right when all Steve has to do is reflect on the failures of the past three years. Right before he needs to get up and go shower and pretend he’ll fall asleep at a decent time. 

Right when he and Sam would, under normal circumstances, have a moment alone. 

A movie after a late dinner at home in January, when Sam only left the apartment if he absolutely had to. _Why would I freeze my ass off for overpriced, stale popcorn when I have you and your burnt, bland popcorn right here with me?_

A walk under the not quite dark sky in May, or in late September, when summer was on its way or leaving them behind, with the fresh air just a little too cool to be truly comfortable. _There are fewer people staring or disturbing us than in the summer. Plus I get to put my arm in yours and pretend it’s ‘cause I’m cold, and you fall for it every time._

A shared shower in mid-July, days before a storm would come and save them from the unbearable humidity, after spending the day enjoying the sunshine with friends or family. _Yes, Steve, I do need help with my back. No, that joke isn’t any funnier now._

And, most often, a kiss that almost always led to more. More kisses, more touches, more warm and familiar embraces, he and Sam welcoming each other home before they fell apart together, scattering their love and devotion and lust into outer space. 

It hits Steve now, and his skin feels cold and empty, like he’d started wearing the most comfortable sweater on the day he met Sam, and it was suddenly taken off of him. His arms feel prickly where they used to be touched and held, his lips feel tingly where they used to be kissed and teased, and his entire body feels empty, remembering how it used to be wrapped around Sam’s.

Steve’s phone buzzes—a text from Natasha, with Sam and Bucky gone, who else would it be?— and he realizes the movie’s over, credits rolling silently on the screen. He can’t even remember what he’d put on. 

_Offer still stands_.

Natasha still sleeps at HQ and asks him once a week if he wants to have a sleepover. She knows he rarely sleeps, knows that a sparring session and a late night conversation about anything but the fact that half the planet, including the man he loved, had vanished, would help him sleep a little better.

Steve knows too. He just can’t bring himself to let her know that sometimes, when it hits him the hardest, when it hurts the most, he’ll let himself look at the front door, waiting. 

Hoping.

This feels like a nightmare, so why wouldn’t Steve wake up to the sound of Sam’s keys in the door, back from a long day at the VA?

Sam—and the rest of the world—could be back anytime, so Steve lets himself wait and hope, even if it’s just for a minute before reality sinks in and he gets ready for bed, trying to be ready and alert and awake enough to try again. 

Steve close his laptop, pushes it further away on the coffee table and turns to look at the door.

Anytime, now. 

Anytime. 

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Cold and Clear by Cajsa Siik.
> 
> I am on [Tumblr](http://targaryenmelodrama.tumblr.com) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/andrea_b_tweets) !


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